You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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