I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
