Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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