But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
being pregnant is like rehab
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
