Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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