kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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