he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
