i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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