yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
