woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
