my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
