I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
