he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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