yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
