and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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