threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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