he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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