How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
