apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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