I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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