just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I want a musical about memes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
