turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
