You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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