I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
