He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
