You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
