Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating all of the evidence.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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