i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
