the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize