420 ftw
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
