watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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