Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
