I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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