Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
