You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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