I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
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Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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