We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
