Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
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There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips