APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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