I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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