I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He passed out mid-signature
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
