yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
