at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
