i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
