So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
