Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
