Your dad touched me again.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
