I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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