Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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