She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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