Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My vagina is officially offended.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
