I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
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I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
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fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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