Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
