Yo dont text me then not text me
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
