I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
