Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
