Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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